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Author Topic: Jokes Of The Day  (Read 48098 times)

Offline deuter

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #16 on: November 06, 2008, 09:51:21 PM »
Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s_x, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he hurts you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, and he thinks you're cute. He asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. You be strong, honey. I love you, too.'
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say......

Offline deuter

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2008, 09:52:04 PM »
Thirteen . . .

  I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting '13! 13! 13!'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the fence and looked through to see what was going on. 

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
 
Then they all started shouting '14! 14! 14! .. . . ' 
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say......

Offline deuter

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2008, 09:54:11 PM »
Three Ladies in a Sauna
 
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A  SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
 FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
 
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO   HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE
A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
 
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HADTO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
 TO  THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
 
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.


 THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say......

SingThaiDisco_V2

Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2008, 09:54:11 PM »





Offline deuter

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #19 on: November 06, 2008, 09:58:00 PM »
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guystaring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inchprivate, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down andbrings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say tome?'
The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give youthe answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, mytesticles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,'Turn around'.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
What more can I say......

CarrotHead

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2008, 11:51:04 PM »
How Singapore Got Its Name

Version 1 : When Raffles stepped out of his boat on to Boat Quay, a man was running by announcing the birth of his son in hokkien. 'see ta poh, see ta poh'

Version 2 : I thought the story was like this : The indian king, Parameswara, was sleeping under a tree and was dreaming. He was rudely awakened by an animal resembling a lion. So, out of shock, he screamed ' Singa porda ! Singa porda ' (which means, 'lion, get lost!')

Version 3 : When Raffles sailed up the Singapore river for the first time, a malay lady was bathing in the river, having left her clothes on the river bank. A singh came by and stole her clothes. The upset lady started shouting after him, 'Singh Kapoh, Singh Kapoh'...

Version 4 : 'Singapore' was actually translated from the name 'Singapura' in Bahasa Malaysia. Story goes that there was a prince that came to our island many many years ago, on an exploration trip. Then he suddenly saw a lion and he named our island 'Singapura', which means lion port.

Imagine if he had seen a pig instead of a lion, it would be Babipura. ('pig' in Malay is 'Babi')

CarrotHead

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2008, 11:54:25 PM »
Want to know why you are working so hard?

An interesting & meaningful story for you.
On the very first day of the world, God created the cow. He said to the cow:

"Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you! Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will provide the energy to pull things!
You will also provide milk for people to drink!
You are to work all day under the sun. In return, you will eat only grass. For that you have a lifespan of 50 years."

Ah Gu objected.
"What!? I work all day under the sun and I can only eat grass?
On top of that I have to give my milk away!?
This is tough and you want me to live 50 years!? I'll take 20 and you can have the remaining 50 years back." God agreed.

The next day, God created the dog. He said to the dog.

"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose. You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house. If anyone come in, you are to bark at them! In return, you will eat your master's leftover. I give you a lifespan of 20 years."

Ah Kow objected.
"What!? I have to sit at the door all day and bark at people, and i can only eat leftovers? This isn't right... I'll take 10 years and you can have the remaining 10 years back." God agreed again.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey.

"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people. You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces. You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them. In return, you will only eat bananas and peanuts. For that, I will give you 20 years."

Naturally the monkey objected.
"What!? I got to make faces and make people laugh? I still have to climb trees and do somersaults? Tell you what... I'll take 10 years, you can have the remaining 10 years back." God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created human. God said to the human.

"You are my best piece of work. For that you will only have to sleep, eat and play, sleep, eat and play and do nothing else. You will eat all the best things and play all the best toys. All you need to do is to enjoy life, and for this, I give you 20 years."

Just like the rest, human objected.
"What? I only have to relax and enjoy the best in life and I only have 20 years?
Tell you what. You got back 30 years from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow and 10 years from Lao Kao and you probably don't know what to do with all these lives. Why not I take all of them and have 70 years to live?"

Being a kind God, naturally He agreed.
   .
   .
   .
AND THAT IS WHY

We eat, sleep, play and enjoy the first 20 years of our lives when growing up.

Work for the next 30 years to raise the family.

Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10 years of our life when retired.

And finally make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren for the final 10 years of our lives.

GET IT?????

SingThaiDisco_V2

Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2008, 11:54:25 PM »
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CarrotHead

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2008, 11:57:20 PM »
A Seaman's Tale

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

CarrotHead

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Re: Jokes Of The Day
« Reply #23 on: November 07, 2008, 12:00:02 AM »
Ah Beng Hot Shot

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

 


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