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[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other one says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The waiter stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."

"But, I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The waiter apologising profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.

"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the sceptical waiter says.

"A Chihuahua?!" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

Four men go on a hunting trip. The only hotel in the area is almost full, so they have to bunk two to a room. No one wants to share with Joe because he snores, so the others decide to take turns.

The first man stays with Joe and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes bloodshot.

"What happened to you?" ask his friends.

"Joe snored so loudly I just sat up and watched him all night," he moans.

The following evening, it is the second chap's turn. He also looks awful the next morning.

"Oh, man, that Joe shakes the roof," he says. "I sat up and watched him all night too."

The third night is Frank's turn, a burly ex-rugby player: a man's man. Next morning he comes down to breakfast looking very fresh.

"Good morning," he says brightly.

The first two men are incredulous. "Wow, what happened?"

"Well," says Frank. "We got ready for bed, I tucked Joe in, wished him sweet dreams and kissed him on the forehead. He sat up and watched me all night."

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks,"Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they would come out for peanuts?" the visitor asks.

"Would you?" retorts back the keeper.

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mother says,"Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

Lucy was having a lovely time shopping. In the first shop she visited, she found some perfect shoes and, in the second, a beautiful dress.

Her mobile rang. It was a female doctor telling her that her husband was in intensive care following a car accident. "Tell him where I am and that I'll be with him as soon as possible," said Lucy.

She turned to head for her car, but another bargain caught her eye. Before she knew it, she'd spend the rest of the afternoon in the shops.

When she arrived at the hospital, the doctor shouted,"You finished your shopping trip, didn't you? Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because it may be your last. Your husband's condition deteriorated while he waited for you and he'll now require your 24-hour care for the rest of his life."

Wracked by guilt, Lucy broke down in tears.

The lady doctor chuckled and said,"Only joking - he's dead. Now, let's see what you bought!"

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

A man stops to get directions. "What's the quickest way from here to the airport?"

"Are you walking or driving?"

"Driving."

"That's definitely the quickest way."

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

Inmates at the prison I work in shine shoes in order to make a few extra bucks. I was having my shoes shined one day when the prisoner began to complain.

"Here I am with a degree, and I have to resort to shining shoes," he grumbled.

"What kind of degree do you have?" I asked.

He replied, "First degree."

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

[sᴇᴄᴛ LØVΞ ⌘ MΞ]

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...